Mx. Coreo Jones (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
digitalemur) wrote2024-06-10 12:51 pm
digitalemur) wrote2024-06-10 12:51 pm
Am I back? I might be back.
I found myself thinking, this morning, as I was driving home from running a few errands: "Am I back? I might be back." I didn't mean with regard to this DW specifically, though I think I might be back here too, over the coming months. I meant more generally.
I am just getting through a little glut of stressful moments and bad things happening in groups. My errand today was purchasing a new refrigerator, on the day after I just replaced the dishwasher, I was thinking about how all you can do is hope that the third bad thing (if you subscribe to the "bad things happen in threes" perspective) has happened or will be over with soon, or whatever form of hoping you'll get a god damned break, that you prefer.
Anyway, the dishwasher is installed, the refrigerator is being delivered tomorrow around 11, and my credit card is groaning some more. Afterwards, I hit the discount store next door and bought myself some god damned deodorant, a small purchase I have been putting off for two weeks. I'm broke right now, and the little flood of devotions I needed to do on the cheap in the last 2.5 weeks, including going unofficially to my 25th university reunion for a day and letting my mom fly me to see her for a long weekend, are done. So is the buying two new appliances on my credit card in under a month. This comes after a spring of trying to fix the dishwasher myself with a friend; the fridge is about 30 years old and deserves the chance to reincarnate as, I dunno, a heat pump clothes dryer or something cool like that.
I wanted to do more of the work of launching my freelancing and developing a couple of remaining skills I need in order to launch my freelancing, over this period, but I did do some exercises and reading in that regard, and I had about a month's worth of good conversations with people who can recommend me and help word get around, in those 8 hours I was at reunion with old friends and acquaintances. It turns out that at your 25th reunion, EVERYONE is thinking about their next act or pivoting to something else for the rest of their career years or just taking a damn break because they need it. So, for experiencing the kinds of things that would have frozen me with fear a year or two ago, honestly, I'm doing all right. Turns out you can heal a lot from burnout and relational trauma, if you find the things you need.
The errands today got me thinking about how the trauma of being broke is the fear that you'll never dig out. The trauma of leaving a job you can no longer healthily do and leaving a work situation that is harming you is the fear that you won't figure out a new way to keep yourself afloat. It took a long time for me to heal enough to start seeing past that actual catastrophe, to what life can look like afterwards.
Because here's the thing: I have been broke before. I'm settling into remembering how to be broke again, because being broke when you have a good support network and some family who can help, is concerning but not desperate. Being broke when you have a lot of professional and posh university contacts and are actively working to heal the burnout and the complex trauma of the past 5 years, is something you have to manage, but it's not an emergency. (The emergency was when your job was killing you, and before that, when your gender dysphoria was killing you, which is why you stayed at the job so long into burnout.) Being broke when you are lucky enough to have a modest mortgage and live in a state where SNAP is pretty easy to apply for is a chronic issue, but one with a good prognosis.
But trauma being what it is, it took me a year to see that. This time last year, or even 7 months ago, I was reliving situations from the perfect storm of illness, injury, trauma, and just straight up bullying I had experienced, multiple times a day, every day. It took me months to navigate realizing I didn't trust one of my doctors, to find a new one, and to weather a medication change that was, while well monitored, scary. Somewhere in there, I realized: okay, I did what I needed to do. It was an urgent situation. I did not have time to save more money or replace old appliances before leaving my job. It was going to take how long it took, but I and the fam who are helping me out all realize that this will also be in the rear-view mirror some day, and that we have each weathered things that are as bad, or worse.
So maybe tomorrow after we've emptied the fridge and put the new one in its place and loaded it up, once I've finished vacuuming the installation dust from around the dishwasher, I'll have more freelance brain back. Because what we fear is that we will be mocked instead of welcomed, when we're changing careers. That we'll have jobs go bad and leave us unpaid and worse off, rather than finding good colleagues and repeat business. But the truth is, it's going to be a mix of that stuff. Sure, you could roll 1s repeatedly, but you probably won't.
I've been broke before. I might be broke again, some day. Hope not, but
I know how to handle it.
I am just getting through a little glut of stressful moments and bad things happening in groups. My errand today was purchasing a new refrigerator, on the day after I just replaced the dishwasher, I was thinking about how all you can do is hope that the third bad thing (if you subscribe to the "bad things happen in threes" perspective) has happened or will be over with soon, or whatever form of hoping you'll get a god damned break, that you prefer.
Anyway, the dishwasher is installed, the refrigerator is being delivered tomorrow around 11, and my credit card is groaning some more. Afterwards, I hit the discount store next door and bought myself some god damned deodorant, a small purchase I have been putting off for two weeks. I'm broke right now, and the little flood of devotions I needed to do on the cheap in the last 2.5 weeks, including going unofficially to my 25th university reunion for a day and letting my mom fly me to see her for a long weekend, are done. So is the buying two new appliances on my credit card in under a month. This comes after a spring of trying to fix the dishwasher myself with a friend; the fridge is about 30 years old and deserves the chance to reincarnate as, I dunno, a heat pump clothes dryer or something cool like that.
I wanted to do more of the work of launching my freelancing and developing a couple of remaining skills I need in order to launch my freelancing, over this period, but I did do some exercises and reading in that regard, and I had about a month's worth of good conversations with people who can recommend me and help word get around, in those 8 hours I was at reunion with old friends and acquaintances. It turns out that at your 25th reunion, EVERYONE is thinking about their next act or pivoting to something else for the rest of their career years or just taking a damn break because they need it. So, for experiencing the kinds of things that would have frozen me with fear a year or two ago, honestly, I'm doing all right. Turns out you can heal a lot from burnout and relational trauma, if you find the things you need.
The errands today got me thinking about how the trauma of being broke is the fear that you'll never dig out. The trauma of leaving a job you can no longer healthily do and leaving a work situation that is harming you is the fear that you won't figure out a new way to keep yourself afloat. It took a long time for me to heal enough to start seeing past that actual catastrophe, to what life can look like afterwards.
Because here's the thing: I have been broke before. I'm settling into remembering how to be broke again, because being broke when you have a good support network and some family who can help, is concerning but not desperate. Being broke when you have a lot of professional and posh university contacts and are actively working to heal the burnout and the complex trauma of the past 5 years, is something you have to manage, but it's not an emergency. (The emergency was when your job was killing you, and before that, when your gender dysphoria was killing you, which is why you stayed at the job so long into burnout.) Being broke when you are lucky enough to have a modest mortgage and live in a state where SNAP is pretty easy to apply for is a chronic issue, but one with a good prognosis.
But trauma being what it is, it took me a year to see that. This time last year, or even 7 months ago, I was reliving situations from the perfect storm of illness, injury, trauma, and just straight up bullying I had experienced, multiple times a day, every day. It took me months to navigate realizing I didn't trust one of my doctors, to find a new one, and to weather a medication change that was, while well monitored, scary. Somewhere in there, I realized: okay, I did what I needed to do. It was an urgent situation. I did not have time to save more money or replace old appliances before leaving my job. It was going to take how long it took, but I and the fam who are helping me out all realize that this will also be in the rear-view mirror some day, and that we have each weathered things that are as bad, or worse.
So maybe tomorrow after we've emptied the fridge and put the new one in its place and loaded it up, once I've finished vacuuming the installation dust from around the dishwasher, I'll have more freelance brain back. Because what we fear is that we will be mocked instead of welcomed, when we're changing careers. That we'll have jobs go bad and leave us unpaid and worse off, rather than finding good colleagues and repeat business. But the truth is, it's going to be a mix of that stuff. Sure, you could roll 1s repeatedly, but you probably won't.
I've been broke before. I might be broke again, some day. Hope not, but
I know how to handle it.